my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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