the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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