Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
