Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
