I am midnight drunk by noon
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
