I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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