You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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