...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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