I cockslap morals
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
