I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
did you just send me my own nude
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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