We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
