pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
