Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
