the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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