3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
