WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
