Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
