Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
