pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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