Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
you had me at cake vodka
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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