Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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