just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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