I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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