The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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