I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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