The best revenge is premature balding
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
