How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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