You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
