Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
