Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
