The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
