I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize