I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ketchup is God's man juice
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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