Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
