lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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