the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
