Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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