I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
