I looked at my own cervix.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
