thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
