she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
