if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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