I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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