**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
