Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
