just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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