He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
