I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
