There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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