Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
