She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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