oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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