She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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