When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
