I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I need a burrito and a hug.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
