I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
honey bunches of taint.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
