planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Randomize
