my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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